The fog's moisture wets my face
I try to keep my pace
I do know where I want to go
But because of the peoples' flow
I cannot

Being in double digits is not easy
To a genie I'd say,free me
I want to blend
Yet I cannot bend
My muffin-top into my pants

Today will be better I'm sure
A thought yesterday presentent a cure
I will be no doormat
I will stand firm where I'm at
And do what's best for myself.

First Day, Senior Year

   The first day of school, its scary, exhilarating, fun, sad, and all-together well, interesting. New classmates are met and unfortunates are given first day homework. I want this year to be good.

   Last year I focused on friends and not so much on academics, which led to my grades and GPA lowering. Was it worth it? At this point I say yes because the experiences I had with people helped me realize more about myself as a person and become more accepting about who I am, or how I perceive myself to be.

  I nearly failed two classes, but pulled through at the last minute with C's, not terrible but nothing to be proud of; I could have done better. This year, I will do better.

  I plan to study and work on school as much as I do my social life. I need to learn how to balance my life and make myself happy as well as others, not just the people I interact with.

  Sometimes my willingness to help may come off as me being a doormat or down-to-earth or a nice person. I like to think it's mostly the good reasons, but I also know that I will let others take charge because I believe thay know better because they are better than me. This needs to change, I want to help but not at the expense of my own self esteem.

  I want to not let my weight control how I act as well. For years I have defined myself as a fat girl in my mind for years, and thought that blending in would make me happier. Now I just want to be a part of something but also show that I am different.

Was it worth it?

 So yesterday was my birthday and I said before I would let myself have a 'cheat-day', no matter the consequences. Well, I gained two pounds, I had lost a couple from staying over at a friends house the previous days ( down to 150.6) and now I sit at 152. Which isn't all too bad, but I was very very excited that I lost ( around) two pounds. And, now I gained them back because of too much cake. The cake was one of those super chocolatey mousse filled whole foods cake and I had two slices. Boy was that a mistake. I really should have just had one.But, now that I think about it the cake was worth it. After all birthdays only come once a year.

21 Days: Check in #2

   Well, I'm sixteen days into my experiment of not eating chips for 21 days. So far I haven't missed them at all, but I have come very close to eating them. How can one resist the temptation of tortilla chips with salsa at a Mexican food restaurant? Not easily.
   Tomorrow I'm going to let myself cheat a little, Mmmmm Mmmm, chocolate cake here I come! I figure since it's my birthday tomorrow I can get away with one semi-cheat meal without totally blowing my good eating for the week. 

Yes I'm lazy

Oh you know, just watchining friends play Portal after a day of the movie theater, meeting an extremely nice Greenpaece man, and frozen yogurt. All in all I'd say a pretty great day. Though frozen yogurt isn't the best meal..... I'll do better at dinner time, I promise.

Bacony, Bacon Refreshment

So this is one of my friends who decided to try out Bacon flavoured soda. It really doesn't sound very appetizing, and I have yet to hear the verdict on whether it tastes good or not. I'm assuming not.

Orange Bunnies

I just love trying on clothing, even if I can't buy anything (usually this is because I have already spent my money). When I was at my heaviest, and even before I didn't like wearing dresses and sure didn't like shopping because I had maybe three options or shopping online, which was rare. Now I feel like I am reverting back to who I was before the weight defined me, which was around when I was six or three. Twirly dresses? Love them.

Fair Time!

At the Gravenstein Apple Fair in Sebastapol, just stopped to rest in the shade and happened upon a cooking seminar. Sadly because my friends were being disruptive we had to relocate to another area to rest.

21 Days, Check in:1

You know how it's said to take 21 days to break a habit? Well I'm doing that with chips. So I'm thirteen days into not eating chips, I sure hope I can last until the end.

Boys, Boys, Boys

  Being in what seems to be in a half eaten love-donut or half circle) is not really fun at all, especially when we're all best friends. I like one guy who is pretty great but doesn't know what he wants and the other guy likes me but I like the other guy more in a romantic sense. When I weighed 250 lbs., I couldn't believe anybody would ever like me, I know partially has to do with the fact that I was 10X more shy than I am now but I know most of 'the blame' can be put into my weight. At least that's what my self conscious side tells me.
I think its time to focus more on bettering myself than focusing on guys.I feel like in the end I'll be happier, and that losing weight, and figuring out what I want to do with my life is a better use of my time. But, of course I won't rule out the thought of romance all together, just shifting it lower n my list of priorities.

Mmmm Chocolate 'n Chicken

Oh this is such a healthy breakfast....not. I think tomorrow its oatmeal and banana time.

Pounds,eesh

 Damn, gained a pound. In the long run it doesn't seem like it should matter, but if left unnoticed or not fixed pounds add up. Its probably the snacking, its so difficult not to snack. Its as if when at home the kitchen is always calling, full of its mouthwateringly good..... food. 

 I was having a conversation the other day about women in the 50's and 60's and why their waists must have been so small. If you've ever been in a vintage clothing shop you'll get some good examples, I have a guy friend who wears a women's size two and a good portion of the dresses couldn't fit him.Anyway...., sizing. The conversation boiled down to these reasons:
              
                  The housework those women had to do, especially without all of the 'insta'-devices we use today
                             
                            Smaller portion sizes, we probably eat twice as much or more than them
                               
                                  A greater pressure to be perfect[sorta ( in a weird way)], I mean they even really
                                      dressed up to go to the supermarket, gloves, hat, the whole shebang.
                                       [Etc., Etc, you get the gist]

Oh how I would love to be able to fit into those frothy, pastry-like design of those eras. But, alas it will never be as I could never be that tiny.

Cute Randomness

I like this one a lot. Gotta work on the confidence though, you know, to say hello.
P.S. Sorry about the sideways photos, its my phone that makes them this way

Breakfast? Lunch? Dessert?

While I like yogurt, most of the time I can't stomach more than a half of a cup or I have to force myself to
 eat
 the whole thing ( you know because of needing a breakfast on the run). I don't know why this is but my

solution is too freeze the whole cup, for some reason being frozen makes the yogurt more appetizing to me.

Then today I tried Greek yogurt (with honey) for the first time. Why have I never had this before?! Now

that

I have had this wonderful, beautiful food I will make it at the top of my go-to breakfast list. The texture is so

incredibly creamy and thick that there's still a clear indent of where you took a when you took a spoonful

from the tub, and the taste is just heavenly.

List of Go-to breakfasts:

Udi's Gluten Free Granola (Original) and a banana
Any sort of flavour of Instant Sugar Free Oatmeal
A Spoonful of Peanut Butter and Almond Milk
Leftovers
*Same Granola but mixed with peanut butter, the combination is even better if crunchy peanut butter is added
 A slice of Sprouted wheat toast with butter or grape jelly and instant hot coco or almond milk

Tahoe

A photo from Tahoe, Kings Beach

Excercise?

Hmm, I think it's time I think about exercising again. Thing is, I no matter what I try I can never stick to anything for very long. Its all about willpower I guess and I have more willpower when it comes to food than exercise. When school starts up again I think I give going to the gym another go, but for now I'm going to try something new: riding my bike around the neighborhood.

This, I'm going to do early as I prefer riding on sidewalks and need to practice riding regularly on the streets before I try it when there are more people around. Last time I tried? I nearly ran into every parked  car on the side of the road/ Practice. Practice. Practice. And that is what I plan on doing tomorrow.

Weight update? I am now at around 152.6, not bad. i don't think I have weighed this little since I was in elementary school ( where I was already in women's' sizes, scary, I know).

A Week in Tahoe

Well a whole week in Tahoe with a reasonable kitchen and absolutely no microwave, what is a frozen food reliant girl to do? Suck it up and cook something healthy.
I think this week away from home has done me some good. Prior to the vacation I was snacking all day ( not horrendously mind you, but still snacking), eating at weird times and not much of it was 'healthy' ( think ice cream and too much peanut butter). During my stay in the quaint little 60's themed cabin I actually used a stove for the first time in months, ate three meals a day, and lost three pounds because of it!
A trip to a candy shop that could have gone terribly wrong, didn't.  I ate some of the samples that the workers so generously gave, probably 10 in 7 minutes and still came maybe a bit under my calorie goal of the day. Woohoo!

Then there was the beach. While in the past I would refuse to even think about wearing a swimsuit around so many people ( and believe me I still do), I pushed past my anxiety and waded out in to the lake, in my swimsuit, in front of strangers, including a bunch of cute guys and girls my age that I constantly compare my self against. I am nowhere near my goal weight but I am glad that I wasn't self conscious enough to not have fun. I think gaining confidence is one of my favorite achievements of the weight loss.