Being a Wallflower: A bit fed up and Haircuts

 
 (Photo found on google images)





   Benefits of being a wallflower may include: opportunities to learn how to

listen and show compassion in a quiet way, being able to observe the many

people that one may or may not come into contact with in everyday life, and

learning from the mistakes observed. But one thing that is absolutely not a

benefit, is being the girl, or person who is the last ones on everybody's minds to

invite to parties or other social gatherings.
 
   I haven't 'put myself out there' on this blog because I'm afraid of sharing my

opinion and having people judge me for the worse. Then I thought to myself,

then why have a blog? Why have something that is targeted for self expression if

you (I) refuse to let myself, well, express myself?

   So here I am expressing myself and my annoyance that not only do I allow

myself to be caught in this never-ending tornado of self doubt which eventually

leads me to- you guessed it- being the girl in the corner, emotionally or

physically- desperately wanting to let my outgoing side shine through, but not

allowing  it to do so.

   I'm a self-proclaimed blog skulker, not in a creepy way, it's just one of the

main genres of internet literature I find most interesting; blogs are to me as

Reddit or Tumblr is to some others. Anyway, when I've looked at a blog post or

internet article about shyness, or how to stop being shy or introverted or a

wallflower there is always some sort of self-doubt and and an inability chosen or

otherwise, to tell others their true feelings.

   For me, at this point in my life, I think I'm getting to the point where I want to

stop hiding. And, at this exact moment of this week my want to break free from

myself is showing in two forms: wanting to cut my hair and telling my friends or

showing (I need to find a thesaurus) them who I am and what I want as a

person.

     This is me. A girl who loves vintage. A girl who is always passed by because

she seems too quiet. A girl who who has just wanted to be accepted by others in

the but who now realizes all she needs to do is accept herself.

    And this girl.... wants to chop her hair off. Completely. I don't think I'll do a

full Pixie the first time, only about chin length. But as soon as summer ends, I

plan to take it all off. Why? Because I said so.

   No, it's more complicated than that. I have always wanted to have really short

hair, but because of my size (250 lbs to the 150's) it wouldn't have looked very

good and I don't think I was ready) and my mother adamantly  saying that I

absolutely shouldn't kept me from making the big chop.Now I'm at a place in my

life where I want to be more than just my hair, which for women is a pretty big

deal.

    Though a part of me is nervous about not being beautiful in others' eyes,

my mother, my friends, and guys- or that perchieved lack of attractiveness will

hurt me deeply emotionally. I'm saying screw it and doing it anyway. I want to be

me and part of me is style which has become stagnant as of late. I have also

been growing out my hair for the past tow to three years and it has grown to

about chest length to covering my shoulders. I crave the change. Plus, I want to

shed all those years of damage I did to my hair as well having a fresh new start

after graduation. I think this will be good for me. It will be a marker of how

much I have grown and maybe teach me new things about myslef that I didn't

know before.

   Wow, I didn't think I'd get so deep about a hairstyle change. Onto the next

change.... (and this one will be much shorter)

   I always tell myself it's better to regret what you have done than do nothing

and regret what you haven't done. I'm going to try and apply this to my

relationships with people and see how it turns out. Normally I'm pretty good at

telling people what they need to hear and not necessarily what they want to,

but it takes me a while to get there. Like a slow starting car. I figure maybe

that will get me out of my personality or whatever-you-call-it rut. I'm starting to

ramble I think...

Subject: to be tackled at a later point in time!


   



  

Being a Wallflower: Part 2

So being a wallflower but also wanting that evolution to a... what to call it?... not-wall flower, wall-less flower?, I try my hardest, occasionally to talk to new people or acquaintances that I want to know better.

Yesterday I made such an effort an while a bit awkward, I would call the venture a success.
Usually, I'm pretty quiet in my Lit. class despite my seat located near the front of the room. And yes, like always I only talked to Lips like I normally do, but this day after class I made an effort to talk to someone I really want to bring into my life more, let's call him Blues (in reference to his eyes). He had just returned after an audition to an acting school in New York and I was debating whether I should approach him.

The little voice in my head picked at me, What if he thinks you're weird? You'll do or say something to mess it up....

But, for some reason I pushed past that echoing nag and spoke to him. Well, first ( since I'm taking a Floral class) I offered him the carnation I was holding as it matched his shirt, and he took it with a smile which I believe is a a good sign.

Speed forward to the actual conversation....................

I wasn't really sure what to say or how to respond or if I would say to much. I don't know if other wallflowers have the same thoughts.... hmmm... anyway...

He told me about New York and how it was too cold among other things and when we stopped, nearly parting ways, I decided to break character and be bold, I asked him to walk with me a bit further and we talked about what be plan to do after school ends, and get this, he asked me a question too! (About what I plan to do with my future).

Wow, that really was a good day for me. It's so odd, being quiet all the time I never really know if I'm truly talking like others when I make a bold move socially, or if I'm still quiet.

Being a Wallflower: Part 1

Another not-so-long post...
 Describing my feelings about being quiet and "plastered to the social wall" can be kind of difficult. On one hand, fading into the background is easy, which when I think about it is sad; but when there are dramatized situations among classmates I can just 'go away'.

However, everyday I long and crave being around people, interacting with others can be so satisfying. Sometimes I measure a good day by how many people I've talked to or speaking with a person I have had trouble working up the courage to approach.

I wish having a social life was easy. But then it wouldn't be life would it?

Slowly I have been moving in a positive direction, mainly having to do with me be comfortable with myself.

I do have friends, me being the softer spoken addition to the group. Being a shy girl hasn't totally impeded my ability to make friends, but if my one friend "Lips" didn't sit next to me that one day, I would probably be sitting alone reading my book, on the outside looking in.

Observations and thoughts to come....

Being a Wallflower

This post is not going to be a long one, but it does have to do with an idea I have formed about a series of posts/ vlogs about being " a wallflower". In which I will give advice and my observations/opinions about how being shy has affected me and other such notions of which I can think.

Sugar Fantasies

Among friends, I am know for my extreme love for sugar (One summer, for a week, I lived off of birthday cake).  Not only do I love eating sugar, but I enjoy creating ideas for desserts ( or combinations) and I thought I should list if but a few of them...:

1. One might think waffles a breakfast food, which they are, but toppings are usually items like fruit, whipped cream and butter. (As pictured above and taste better than they look) Blueberry waffles and frosting are absolutely delicious and I highly recommend trying the combination. 

2. (I haven't actually made this one but I plan to one day.) Okay, Imagine baking a dozen cupcakes all oozing the essence of chocolate. They're already better than good right? 'Cause chocolate cupcakes are just divine! Now when these beauties are cooling, you make a batch of chocolate strawberries. Melting the chocolate, dipping the strawberries and making sure that there is the little hole where the leaves on top are usually. Now that the cupcakes are nice and ready for preparation, you take a reasonably sharp knife and cut a hole in the center of the cupcake. Then you place the heavenly strawberry in the middle of that cupcake. And, remember that hole in the top of the strawberry? Well next comes filling it with whipped cream or another preferred filling and then you frost the cupcake and voila! You have a triplely good cupcake!

3. Another idea is a bacon/Nutella milkshake. One blends vanilla or chocolate ice cream with a healthy dose of Nutella in a blender with milk and a bit of ice and of course bacon. Next one takes a frosty glass and like a martini glass (sort of), one spreads a thin layer of Nutella around the rim and then dips it in freshly made/crumbled bacon bits. 

Plans for a New Year

So supposed tradition says that resolutions should be made at the birth of the New Year, well I guess I'll share mine...

  1. My FIRST resolution deals with revenge on a friend... involving fizzy drinks. My friend, let's call him Mr. Techno, over the past year has either sprayed or spilled various drinks on me, the last time occurring last Thursday ( A shaken up can of Red energy drink all over my light clothing). Now it's time for revenge. I resolve to "accidentally" spill on him 5 different drinks, 5 separate times. And, Mr. Techno being such an odd fellow has totally encouraged me to do so.

2. Secondly, I want to be more open with my true self. I tend to put up an emotional wall between myself and others to protect myself and while having people like me more, it doesn't do any favours to my self esteem.

3. Third, like thousands of others I plan to lose weight. It may seem like a wispy goal but I know I have the drive as I have already lost over 80 pounds since my freshman year of high school. I know I'm off to a good start because this holiday season instead of putting on the 20-50 lbs. I normally do, I only gained 10 lbs.! Yes, it is weight gain but it is a much easier base to start losing from than 20 pounds.

4. For my fourth resolution I have the want and most likely need of getting a job: possibly working at a florist shop or vintage clothing?