(Photo found on google images)
Benefits of being a wallflower may include: opportunities to learn how to
listen and show compassion in a quiet way, being able to observe the many
people that one may or may not come into contact with in everyday life, and
learning from the mistakes observed. But one thing that is absolutely not a
benefit, is being the girl, or person who is the last ones on everybody's minds to
invite to parties or other social gatherings.
I haven't 'put myself out there' on this blog because I'm afraid of sharing my
opinion and having people judge me for the worse. Then I thought to myself,
then why have a blog? Why have something that is targeted for self expression if
you (I) refuse to let myself, well, express myself?
So here I am expressing myself and my annoyance that not only do I allow
myself to be caught in this never-ending tornado of self doubt which eventually
leads me to- you guessed it- being the girl in the corner, emotionally or
physically- desperately wanting to let my outgoing side shine through, but not
allowing it to do so.
I'm a self-proclaimed blog skulker, not in a creepy way, it's just one of the
main genres of internet literature I find most interesting; blogs are to me as
Reddit or Tumblr is to some others. Anyway, when I've looked at a blog post or
internet article about shyness, or how to stop being shy or introverted or a
wallflower there is always some sort of self-doubt and and an inability chosen or
otherwise, to tell others their true feelings.
For me, at this point in my life, I think I'm getting to the point where I want to
stop hiding. And, at this exact moment of this week my want to break free from
myself is showing in two forms: wanting to cut my hair and telling my friends or
showing (I need to find a thesaurus) them who I am and what I want as a
person.
This is me. A girl who loves vintage. A girl who is always passed by because
she seems too quiet. A girl who who has just wanted to be accepted by others in
the but who now realizes all she needs to do is accept herself.
And this girl.... wants to chop her hair off. Completely. I don't think I'll do a
full Pixie the first time, only about chin length. But as soon as summer ends, I
plan to take it all off. Why? Because I said so.
No, it's more complicated than that. I have always wanted to have really short
hair, but because of my size (250 lbs to the 150's) it wouldn't have looked very
good and I don't think I was ready) and my mother adamantly saying that I
absolutely shouldn't kept me from making the big chop.Now I'm at a place in my
life where I want to be more than just my hair, which for women is a pretty big
deal.
Though a part of me is nervous about not being beautiful in others' eyes,
my mother, my friends, and guys- or that perchieved lack of attractiveness will
hurt me deeply emotionally. I'm saying screw it and doing it anyway. I want to be
me and part of me is style which has become stagnant as of late. I have also
been growing out my hair for the past tow to three years and it has grown to
about chest length to covering my shoulders. I crave the change. Plus, I want to
shed all those years of damage I did to my hair as well having a fresh new start
after graduation. I think this will be good for me. It will be a marker of how
much I have grown and maybe teach me new things about myslef that I didn't
know before.
Wow, I didn't think I'd get so deep about a hairstyle change. Onto the next
change.... (and this one will be much shorter)
I always tell myself it's better to regret what you have done than do nothing
and regret what you haven't done. I'm going to try and apply this to my
relationships with people and see how it turns out. Normally I'm pretty good at
telling people what they need to hear and not necessarily what they want to,
but it takes me a while to get there. Like a slow starting car. I figure maybe
that will get me out of my personality or whatever-you-call-it rut. I'm starting to
ramble I think...
Subject: to be tackled at a later point in time!
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